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1
A1, S1 - Dr Lombardi: Very wise, sir, take no chances.
My most humblest salutations to you, ladies and gents. Ah, yes, a very fine company indeed, if you don't mind me saying so. The creme of the creme, if I'm not mistaken.
2
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: And pray who are you, my good man?
Please tell me who might be this fair young maiden.
3
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: That's my daughter.
May I offer my congratulations, sir.
4
A1, S2 - Smeraldina: And what's more, she's just been engaged to be married.
In that case, I offer my commiserations. And who might you be, madam?
5
A1, S2 - Smeraldina: I, sir, am my lady's maid.
In this case, I offer both my congratulations and commiserations.
6
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: Come, sir, enough of this nonsense. What do you want? Who the devil are you? And who is your master?
A very good question, sir. Or, may I say more correctly, a very good set of questions. But, given I am a simple man, may I advise you to take them one at a time.
7
A1, S2 - Dr Lombardi: Careful, Pantaloon, he might have some trick up his sleeve.
I'm sorry, madam, but was it you or your master who was engaged?
8
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: Look, either tell us who you are or be about your business.
If you simply wish to know who I am, I can settle the matter in two words, sir; my master's servant. Three words, sir. As I was saying...
9
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: But who is your master?
A gentleman, sir, from another town, who would like to pay his respects to you.
10
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: But who is this gentleman? What is his name?
Who, sir?
11
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: Your master.
For crying out loud, he is Federigo Rasponi of Turin, he sends his salutations, and he is awaiting downstairs to meet you. Satisfied? Now, where was we?
12
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: I beg your pardon, sir, but what the devil are you saying?
And if you are so interested, I am Truffaldino Batocchio from the mountains of Bergamot.
13
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: I don't give a damn if you're from the Quantocks, sir.
I beg your pardon?
14
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: I want you to repeat your master's name.
Poor old boy's deaf as a worm. My. Master. Is. Federigo. Rasp. Oni. Of. Turin. Sir.
15
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: The man's out of his mind. Federigo Rasponi is dead.
Dead?
16
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: Dead. Defunct. Deceased. Demised. Kaput. No more, sir.
Are you sure?
17
A1, S2 - Dr Lombardi: I'm afraid this is the case, no doubt about it.
But this is terrible. Something awful must have happened. You'll have to excuse me. I better go and see if this is true.
18
A1, S2 - Silvio: Even if he is alive and here in person, he's too late, anyway.
This is an outrage! How I am served. Duped. Cruelly deluded. Is this the behaviour fitting of a gentleman, sir? I demand satisfaction.
19
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: Steady on, now. What on earth's the matter?
You told me my master was dead.
20
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: And so he is.
And so he is? He is downstairs, sir, as fit as a drayman's donkey. Still waiting to pay his respects, thank you very much.
21
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: Mr Federigo?
Mr Federigo.
22
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: Rasponi?
Rasponi.
23
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: Of Turin?
Of Bangalore. Of course, of Turin!
24
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: This is absolutely preposterous. Get out of here at once.
Hang on a minute, you pox-ridden little twit. I said twit. Go and have a butcher's, he's down the stairs.
25
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: I'm not standing for this in my own house.
Please be seated, your honour.
26
A1, S2 - Pantaloon: Yes, that'll fox you. Go on, then. Bring him back from the dead, you big baboon.
Listen, perhaps he was dead. Perhaps he has been resurrected for all I know, but don't blame me. You can see for yourself, I've got no problem with that, but what I do have a problem with is your attitude, matey. You're lucky I'm from Bergamot, where we have strict codes of honour! So, this time I'll overlook it, smart-arse, but if I was you, I'd watch your step.
27
A1, S3 - Brighella: Please, don't let me stop you. It's better than a night at the theatre.
It's just not on, is it? I'm sick of this for a lark. I've had some stingy swines in my time, but this takes the biscuit. I'll be lucky to see a bowl of gruel from one week's end to the next with this fella. It's not even twelve o'clock and I'm on starvation point. I mean, the first thing you do when you get into town is put your feet up and get some decent scran down your neck, don't you? But oh no, not Lord Anorexia here. No, he's pissed off down the quay to get his trunk, et cetera, et cetera; I could have passed on for all he cares. If I only had some dosh I'd sod the skinny sod; nip in there and give me gnashers a bit of training out of me own back pocket. But have I seen any wages? Have I buggery. I'm stood round here like one o'clock half-struck, and bloody well famished. I could have been somebody, you know. I could have been a contender.
28
A1, S4 - Florindo: I told you you weren't up to it.
Can I help there, sir?
29
A1, S4 - Florindo: For God's sake, grab that end and take it into the Inn.
Right you are, sir. Now bugger off, will you?
30
A1, S4 - Florindo: Bravo, that man!
There you go, sir. A piece of cake.
31
A1, S4 - Florindo: You are a waste of space, man.
All done and dusted, sir.
32
A1, S4 - Florindo: What labour? I'll give you something for your labour, sir; a good kick up the arse. Now, get out of it before you're arrested.
Like I say, sir, you just can't get the staff these days, can you?
33
A1, S4 - Florindo: Have you any idea what this place is like?
Oh, a top-notch establishment this, sir. Nice comfy beds, an excellent cellar and mmm, a delicious smell of food coming from the kitchen. Just mention my name and you and your servant, sir, will be served like aristocracy.
34
A1, S4 - Florindo: And your name is?
Truffaldino Batocchio.
35
A1, S4 - Florindo: And what line of work are you in?
Well, erm, service, sir.
36
A1, S4 - Florindo: Are you, indeed? And at this moment, are you gainfully employed?
Well, no, not at this moment. It's not exactly a lie, is it?
37
A1, S4 - Florindo: So, you're without a master?
Here I stand, sir. I can do no other.
38
A1, S4 - Florindo: Well, do you want to be my servant?
It's very hard to say, sir. What terms are we talking about?
39
A1, S4 - Florindo: Terms? What do people usually pay?
Well, my other master; I mean, the one I am no longer employed by, paid a ducat a day.
40
A1, S4 - Florindo: A ducat a day.
But, of course, a man of my calibre and undeniable charm, sir, is always looking to better himself.
41
A1, S4 - Florindo: A ducat a day and a ha'penny's worth of baccy.
And a nice little ham sandwich of a lunchtime.
42
A1, S4 - Florindo: Done. All your meals will be taken care of.
It's a pleasure doing business with you.
43
A1, S4 - Florindo: I suppose you can furnish me with the requisite references.
I beg your pardon, sir?
44
A1, S4 - Florindo: You don't expect me to take you on without someone to vouch for you?
No problem at all. Just nip up to Bergamot. There's plenty of people know me there, sir.
45
A1, S4 - Florindo: But we're in Venice.
Ah. I never thought of that Look, we could forget about the tobacco.
46
A1, S4 - Florindo: OK, I'll give you a go, but listen; any monkey business and you're for the high jump. Understood?
Indupidipipably, your honour, sir.
47
A1, S4 - Florindo: Just go down to the post office and collect any letters that may have been sent for Florindo Aretusi and bring them here toot sweet, understood?
What about the ham sandwich, sir?
48
A1, S4 - Florindo: When you are gone, I'll order lunch.
Very good indeed, sir.
49
A1, S4 - Florindo: Cheeky little sod, aren't you? We'll see how it goes.
Just call me Mr Machiavelli! A ducat a day! I'd be lucky to escape malnutrition with the other bugger. Well, seeing Mr Bumfluff is not at hand, I may as well nip down the old post office and earn a decent living for a change.
50
A1, S5 - Beatrice: Where are you going? Is this what you call waiting here patiently for me?
Terribly sorry, sir. I was just, er, stretching my legs.
51
A1, S5 - Beatrice: How do you expect me to find you if you go walkabout every five minutes?
I was just trying desperately to stave off my hunger, sir.
52
A1, S5 - Beatrice: Listen, if you want any lunch at all, you will get down to the landing stage and bring up my trunk to Brighella's immediately.
That one there?
53
A1, S5 - Beatrice: I asked my faithful steward to send me any news that could help me. Look, get a move on or the place will have sunk.
And who are you?
54
A1, S5 - Brighella: I'm the innkeeper. Now, off you go, and I'll sort you out with a nice nit of lunch when you get back.
Bloody brilliant! There are vast ranks of the unemployed looking in vain for a master, and I go and land myself with two of the buggers. What am I going to do now? I can't look after both of them, can I? I suppose I'd get double the pay, and two suppers, and to be quite honest, it's something to be proud of, isn't it? Streamlined efficiency, a sort of downsizing of the service economy. If they'd have thought it up, it'd be called innovation. That settles it. I'm off to the post office. Twice.
55
A1, S5 - Silvio: Ah, my good man. Could I have a word with you?
Bloody hell, not another one.
56
A1, S5 - Silvio: Where is your master?
My master?
57
A1, S5 - Silvio: You do have a master, do you not?
Er, yes, sir. He's in the Inn.
58
A1, S5 - Silvio: Well, go tell him that I want to have a word.
But sir -
59
A1, S5 - Silvio: Tell him I want a word, or else.
But -
60
A1, S5 - Silvio: One more sound, and I'll cut that tongue out of your slavering mouth.
But which master do you want?
61
A1, S5 - Silvio: That's it.
I'll just have to take pot luck.
62
A1, S5 - Silvio: I am not going to stand for any rivals. Federigo may have got off once with his life, but I promise it won't happen again. Either he drops all pretensions to Clarice, or I will cut his heart out. Who on earth is this?
There he is, sir. Watch it. He's a nutcase.
63
A1, S5 - Florindo: Who's this? I've never seen the fellow in my life.
I don't know nothing, sir. And by your leave, I will go for those letters, sir. I'm not getting mixed up in this.
64
A1, S6 - Florindo: How is this possible? I felt the sword pierce to the bone with my own hand. With my own eyes, I saw him drowned in his blood. How could he have survived? Perhaps I fled too quickly, and he was resurrected without my knowledge, and now I have left my beloved Beatrice to die with sorrow at my disappearance. Oh, I must go straight back and console her grieving soul.
Get down - Christ. There's the other master. Back a bit, wait here. Wotcha, guv.
65
A1, S7 - Florindo: Truffaldino, we must leave for Turin.
I beg your pardon, sir?
66
A1, S7 - Florindo: At once, now. We're leaving for Turin.
But we haven't had dinner.
67
A1, S7 - Florindo: Well, we must eat quickly and be on our way.
This might cost you a bit extra, you realise.
68
A1, S7 - Florindo: Never mind the expense, this is important. Did you go to the post office?
Indeed I did, sir.
69
A1, S7 - Florindo: Well?
I have something for you right here, sir.
70
A1, S7 - Florindo: Where is it?
I'm just looking. Oh, flummery. They're all mixed up. I knew I should've learned to read.
71
A1, S7 - Florindo: What are you doing, man? Give me my letters.
Right away, sir. Bollocks. I have to warn you, sir, but not all of the letters are for you.
72
A1, S7 - Florindo: What do you mean?
On approaching the post, sir, I happened upon another servant who I knew from Bergamot, sir, and he asked me to retrieve some letters for his master, you know, to save him the trouble, sir, as he is a very busy man, the other servant. And, er, his letters are here, too.
73
A1, S7 - Florindo: Give them here.
Terribly sorry.
74
A1, S7 - Florindo: What is this? To Beatrice Rasponi? What is this?
That must be the one for my mate.
75
A1, S7 - Florindo: Who is this mate, exactly?
A servant, sir, name of... Pasqual.
76
A1, S7 - Florindo: Pasqual!
Yes, sir, a very fine friend, sir.
77
A1, S7 - Florindo: Whom does he serve?
Don't know, sir.
78
A1, S7 - Florindo: But how could you have retrieved the letters without his master's name?
Very good point, sir. Shit!
79
A1, S7 - Florindo: What was the name?
It's slipped my mind, sir.
80
A1, S7 - Florindo: What mind?
I had it on a bit of paper, sir.
81
A1, S7 - Florindo: Well, where is the bit of paper?
At the post office. You won't catch me out.
82
A1, S7 - Florindo: Well, where is this Pasqual?
Bollocks. I haven't the foggiest.
83
A1, S7 - Florindo: How on earth did you expect to deliver this letter to him?
We arranged to meet at the piazza.
84
A1, S7 - Florindo: This is ridiculous.
And if you'll give me the letter, I'll take it there forthwith. A beautiful move.
85
A1, S7 - Florindo: No. I think I will open the letter.
No! Oh, please, please don't open the letter, sir. It is a grievous offence, sir, to open people's letters.
86
A1, S7 - Florindo: I don't care who I offend. This letter is addressed to someone who is dearer to me than my own soul. I have no scruples here.
Oh, Christ.
87
A1, S7 - Florindo: My Illustrious Milady, news of your departure has set the whole town of a fire and the general consensus is that you have gone abroad after Mr Florindo. The court what have discovered that you are abroad in a man's dress are doing their utmost to have you arrested. I did not send the letter immediately from the suspected place of correspondence, but did give this missive to a friend who posted it to you in account of avoiding any such tracings or other such which might inevitably befall you. Any further news, and I shall write to you by the same. Your humble, obedient and truly faithful servant, ever yours with everlasting honour, Antonio della Dorio. PS This letter was penned by the chambermaid, Mistress Pantone, on my humble behalf.
Very well writ, if you don't mind me saying so.
88
A1, S7 - Florindo: This is unbelievable. Beatrice abroad. Dressed as a man. To join me. Oh, my sweet angel, if only there is a way to find her here in Venice. Truffaldino, you must find this Pasqual and the person he serves, find out where they are lodged, bring him here to me and I will give you more money than you've ever dreamed of.
Well, thank you very much, sir. And maybe a bit of lunch, eh?
89
A1, S7 - Florindo: Here. I am relying on you completely. This matter is of infinite importance to me.
I can't give it back like this.
90
A1, S7 - Florindo: Tell him there was an accident or something. Don't make difficulties, make haste!
So, we're not going to Turin, I take it?
91
A1, S7 - Florindo: Stop wasting precious time. Beatrice in Venice. Federigo in Venice. If her brother catches me, there'll be hell to pay. I'll have to do everything to track her down myself.
I just can't help myself. Seeing how well I'm doing, I may as well give this double service thing a proper run round the block. A man of my singular potential, it seems, is up to anything. But I can't get away with giving this thing back in this state. Let's see if I can fold it so they won't notice. That's better, but it needs sticking. How the hell do I wangle that? Maybe I could chew up a bit of bread as a sort of mortar, and then stick it like me granny used to do with her false teeth. I'll give it a go. Well, there goes the emergency rations, but que sera sera, as they say in England. Oh, bugger. There's hardly any left now. It's just not natural to have to do this. One last go. Got you. Now, to seal the bastard. Champion. Look at that. Top-notch. Oh, Christ. The bloody porter. Hey, come on with that trunk.
92
A1, S8 - Porter: I thought you'd never ask. Where d'ya want it, guv?
Quick, get it over there. I'll be in in a mo.