getting rid of shyness, anxiety, low self confidence, lack of knowledge

avoiding social situations or interaction bailing out of social situations early being less likely to take social risk , it’s when you feel inhibited and uncomfortable in certain social situations because you’re worried about how you’ll come across to everyone.(similar to social anxiety) , shyness prevent them from showing their personality, keeps them away from the things they want, doesn’t feel good, creates poor picture in front of others and making friends is difficult

break the avoidance habit

boils down to having a low opinion of your own value (particularly in social situations), assuming other people won’t like you, and believing your flaws will keep you from meeting your goals.

1. emotional reasoning , is when you think that because your emotions are telling you something is a certain way, it truly is that way , 2. jumping to conclusions , you quickly assume something negative, even though your belief has little or no basis in reality. There are two variations: mind reading and fortune-telling. , 3. all or nothing , When you see things in simplistic, may involve extreme comparisons like perfect vs. useless or words like “never” or “always” , 4. overgeneralization , involves taking a few isolated incidents and making sweeping generalizations about yourself, other people, or your life. For example, “My one coworker didn’t invite me out. No one at my job wants to be friends,” or “I didn’t find those two people that interesting to talk to. I have nothing in common with anybody. , 5. filtering , when you apply a dark-tinted mental lens to your perceptions so you dwell on the bad aspects of something, while ignoring the good. This can involve “seeing what you want to see.” Because life offers up a variety of experiences, no matter what conclusion you want to reach, you can usually cherry-pick enough “evidence” to support it , 6. magnification and minimization , When you overstate how something really is, once again with iffy evidence to back up your thinking, you magnify the situation; similarly, if you understate a situation with insufficient evidence, you minimize it. , 7. catastrophizing , When your mind leaps to the worst possible outcome, you’re catastrophizing. It can also mean to see a situation as totally hopeless or unbearable, when it’s really just uncomfortable. , 8. should statements , This cognitive distortion involves constraining yourself with unrealistic expectations about how things “should” be , 9. labeling , occurs when you slap simplistic labels on things in order to explain them, rather than looking at the unique facets of the situation. You’d be labeling if you explained away a strained conversation by saying it was because you’re a geek and the other person was a jock, or if you told yourself, “I’m an electrical engineering student. It’s a given that I’m awkward around people., 10. personalization , involves thinking you directly caused something to happen, or that something relates to you, when other forces may have been at work. For example, you might think your friends want to leave your place early because you’re so boring, when they’re really just tired., 11. disqualifying the positive , is when you dismiss positive events for no real reason, probably while being all too eager to accept the negative ones (for example, “I had a really nice conversation with Amy at that party, but it doesn’t count. She’s friendly to everyone. I still suck at talking to people” , 12. attributional style , Disqualifying the positive ties into a related psychological concept called attributional style, or explanatory style, which is the way people tend to explain events to themselves. If they have a good conversation, they’ll write it off as the other person being in a cheerful mood or talking to them out of pity. If they have a stilted exchange, they’ll blame it on how boring or awkward they are. They’re slightly benignly deluded in a way that helps them function better. If an interaction goes well, they give themselves the credit, but if it doesn’t, they look for outside explanations, like that the other person was distracted and in a hurry.

Identify your counterproductive thoughts and beliefs , Critically examine your counterproductive thoughts and beliefs, Come up with more realistic, balanced alternatives for your counterproductive thoughts, Continually question your counterproductive thoughts

get more exposed to it , prepare some topics get to know q , accept the fact that it can’t be perfect , won’t last forever, the hardest part is already gone , be brave , just do it , drive in before you think

how confident and comfortable we are , Your technical ability to make conversation: Technical ability includes your capacity to come up with things to say, your level in skills like listening and empathy, your body language, your knowledge of appropriate topics for a given situation, and so on., Your overall personality, interests, values, and opinions: The choices you make in your interactions flow out of who you are as a person. You could be very comfortable around people and always able to think of things to talk about, but if you’re abrasive and condescending and have a bunch of offensive opinions, your interactions aren’t going to go very well. The line between conversation skills and personality traits is fuzzy (if you’re argumentative, that’s a negative trait, but also a poor conversational style

It’s much easier to talk to people when you have a rough idea of where you should try to take the interaction. If you find yourself blanking, you can quickly remind yourself of one of the goals, and that should help you think of something to say.

Goal #1: Have an interaction that’s rewarding for everyone involved, A conversation that engages everyone might include discussing a movie everyone is interested in, joking around about a series of silly topics, connecting over a shared experience, exchanging insights about a philosophical question, having a friendly debate about a political issue, or just enjoying one another’s company for two minutes as you chat about nothing in particular. That , Goal #2: Learn about the other person and try to find common ground, This is more clearly a goal when you’ve first met someone, but even if you’ve known someone forever, there’s always more to discover about each other. Learning about someone shows your interest in getting to know them, and it allows you to get a sense of how much you have in common and if they could be compatible for a closer relationship. You’ll also tend to grow that little bit closer to someone when you find out you have similarities., Goal #3: Share things about yourself with the other person, You want to learn about the other person, but they also want to know what you’re all about. You should share your interests, personality, sense of humor, values, and what you’ve been up to lately. As long as you’re also allowing the other person to contribute to the discussion, it’s not selfabsorbed to reveal yourself this way. Your conversation partners want to know what makes you tick., Goal #4: Show you’re a reasonably friendly, sociable person, When you talk to someone, come across as if you like talking to them, not as if you’re aloof and feel put upon for having to speak with them. Here’s an example of how being aware of broad goals can guide your conversations: Say you’re talking to a new student in your art class. If the conversation hits a lull, you could think, “Okay, one general goal is to learn about them. I’ll ask them what else they’re interested in aside from drawing,” or “I can share something about myself. I’ll quickly explain how I’ve felt about the class,” or “What would make for an interesting topic to discuss? I’ll ask them if they’ve been to the new exhibit at the art gallery. Maybe after that we can talk about what kind of art we each like.”, Aside from those general goals, many social conversations have more specific goals. Here are a few examples: If you know the person already, catch each other up on what you’ve been up to since you last saw each other (for example, events in your life, fun or interesting things you’ve done, current topics that are on your mind). If you run into a coworker in the break room, have a brief, pleasant interaction to show you’re a friendly person and a team player. Talk about a topic predetermined by the situation, like discussing what else you’ve been reading before your book club meeting starts., Be aware of any personal goals you have that might harm the conversation

Be interested in and curious about other people, and make it your goal to find out what’s fascinating and unique about them, Talk in terms of the other person’s interests, Figure out what topics you have an easy time talking about, and then try to steer the conversation in that direction

Ask them a question, which directly calls on them to contribute. Make a statement of your own, which will hopefully lead them to think of something they want to say in response.

A statement could be an answer to a question, an opinion, an observation, some information, or sharing something relevant that happened to you. The main guideline when making statements is that you want to say something with enough substance or “jumping-off points” to provide your conversation partner with plenty of ideas about what they could say next. If you’re answering a question, provide enough details.

Everyone has more topics they can talk about than they think. Even if most of your time is taken up by one activity, you still watch the odd movie, catch bits of the news, or have funny little things happen to you as you go about your day. You have your unique perspective and opinions on all of them. You have thoughts on your dreams for the future, your family, current events, larger philosophical questions, what it’s like to live in your city, what type of cereal tastes the best, what cats are like as pets, and on and on and on

pay attention for BL, environment. Prepare thing or two , have a purpose of interaction

Small talk is the gate to deeper conversation;

always try the polite way , make excuses , use appropriate body language , or assertiveness if the person’s doesn’t notice or have feeling that you can’t talk to them

mostly fast paced , introduce yourself; fight for your word but don’t interrupt impolitely, allow others to talk , and if u do interrupt someone, pay them attention later by going back to their topics

empathy is the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes. There are two types: emotional and cognitive ; emotional is when you take the emotional of the other people’s feelings cognitive when you take their logical thinking, why and what’s make them feel that way

learn to respect the role of emotions - emotions can vary on persons personality, try to understand that logical personality types look different on them … have that in mind , learn to get in touch with your emotions: - ask yourself how you feel in the moment - identify and examine your emotions ( you may feel disappointed, regretful, why do you feel that way , what led to that certain emotion, are you covering up that emotion etc. ) , practice how others feel and try to be more supportive and concerned , express yourself in a proper way

General, being self absorbed, bragging, poor choice of topics, mistakes made by people considering themselves logical or intellectual and mistakes made in group conversations , general: -interrupting -giving yes no answers -not talking at all -not taking initiative, self-absorption: -talking about topics that only you prefer -taking too much time for yourselves -speaking without purpose , bragging: - general bragging - subtly bragging - one-upping, making comparisons with others stating that your way of doing something is better , poor choice of topic: - talking about inappropriate topics , mostly uninteresting to the other side - staying too much on topic that leads nowhere - changing topics too quickly - picking criticizing topics about movies, politics, famous persons etc. - over sharing personal problems or fobias , being too logical or not paying attention to individuals during group discussions

don’t hide your personality , show your confidence , positive, cheerful mindset , show empathy , avoid being too nice

- adjust your mindset - tell funny stories and jokes - leave your comfort zone, try something new - show your hidden talents, darts, pool , slot games etc , avoid : - Don’t be the person who never wants to do anything new or much of anything at all. - Don’t be the person who wants to quit everything halfway through. - Wherever you are, don’t just hang back and do nothing - dont be too picky , use every opportunity - dont look at having fun is an immature way - dont be stingy , Here are the characteristics of someone who is uptight: - having rigid, unrealistic standards about how you and other people should act and how the social world should be (for example, everyone should always follow the rules and be morally upright at all times) - caring too much about whether people are acting in ways you view as inconsiderate and thoughtless - getting irritated by everyday social annoyances that most people let slide - thinking you always have to be controlled and proper and wellbehaved - seeing yourself as a refined, considerate, intellectual adult and looking down on what you see as silly, immature behavior - not being able to laugh at yourself

ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION is when you look out for or stand up for your rights and needs in a self-assured, direct manner, while being respectful toward the person you’re talking to., respect yourself, your word has the same value as the person talking to you, you are also Important

If you’re somewhat able to manage your shyness and carry on a conversation, then you should be able to use the ideas in this section to improve your social life., Being lonely doesn’t mean you’re deeply flawed, Trying to make friends doesn’t make you lame, desperate, or needy, Don’t handicap yourself by trying to hide your loneliness, If you want a social life, you have to make it happen for yourself, Don’t take it personally if people seem indifferent to you, There’s always going to be some uncertainty in the process, Don’t feel that making friends is super tricky, Accept that it can take time

Ask for people’s contact information fairly soon after you’ve met them, Stay in the loop technology-wise - Events are often announced and planned through social networking sites, and sometimes only through them, so join whichever ones your peers are a part of. You don’t necessarily have to enjoy or use them that much, but at least sign up for the social opportunities they facilitate., Spending time with other people is always at the heart of hanging out with them - Don’t think that spending time with someone is all about coming up with the perfect event to attend. Especially don’t think that there’s no point in being with them if you can’t come up with something spectacular to do. When you choose to hang out with someone, the central reason you’re there is to enjoy their company., Hang out somewhere: - mainly to talk chill at someone’s house - grab coffee - eat at a restaurant - get a drink at a pub -hang around downtown - sit around at a park Wander around, also to talk: - go shopping - go for a walk - keep them company while they run errands See a show: - see a movie - see live music - see a live comedy show - see a play Play something together: - play video games (possibly online and not even in the same room together) - play cards play a board game - play a pen-and-paper RPG - play darts or pool - go bowling - play golf - throw a ball or frisbee around Do something sports-related: - watch a game at home or at a pub - play a team sport together - do an individual sport side by side (for example, rock climbing, skiing) - compete against each other in an individual sport (for example, tennis) - train or practice for a sport - go to a game Work on something together: - work on something artsy or crafty, like rehearsing with a band or knitting - prepare a meal together - work on a repair or building project Get out in nature: - go for a hike or mountain bike ride - go fishing go canoeing go boating Party together: - go to a bar or dance club - go to a house party - hang around someone’s place and have drinks Try other one-off activities: - visit a local attraction like an art gallery, zoo, or aquarium - go to a yearly festival or carnival - check out a trade show or convention - take a day trip out of the city - go camping go on vacation together

The tone of the invitation: - However you invite people out, ask in a non-pressuring tone that suggests, “It’d be fun if you came, but if not, that’s cool.”, Examples of inviting a single person to do something: - There are many ways you can phrase the invitation: specific; open-ended; open-ended but somewhat specific; and immediate / spontaneous., Specific invitation: - “What are you up to this Thursday? Do you want to get something to eat after our evening class?” - “I’m going to go see (band) when they come to town on the 17th. Tickets aren’t that pricey. Want to come with me?”, Open-ended invitation: - “Do you want to grab a drink some time?” - “We should go snowboarding sometime this season.”, Open-ended, but a little more specific: - “Do you feel like getting coffee one day after class?” - “Want to go hiking one Saturday fairly soon?”, Immediate / spontaneous: At the end of the workday or as class is getting out: - “What are you doing right now? Feel like grabbing a coffee?” To a dorm-mate you ran into in the hall: - “Hey, I’m heading to the mall to get some stuff for my room if you want to join me.”, Group invitation: - Specific invitation: - “Do you guys want to hang out at my place this Friday? We could go out later if we feel like it.” -“Does everyone want to go to ’80s Night at (nightclub) this Thursday?” - “There’s a fair coming to town this weekend. Who’s up for it? I was thinking Saturday afternoon.” Open-ended invitation: - “Do you guys want to get together sometime soon?” - “We should all hang out outside of work.” Open-ended, but a little more specific: - “What does everyone think of getting coffee after line dancing lessons one day?” - “Maybe we could check out that new Korean restaurant before we all get busy with exams.” Immediate / spontaneous: - “Anyone feel like coming back to my place now? We could play some video games or watch a movie.” - “Do you guys want to go downtown after class gets out?”, Inviting one or more people to do something with your existing friends When groups are involved, you can invite a potential new friend to do something with your current group of friends: - “My friends and I are going out on Saturday. Want to join us if you’re free?” - “My buddies and I get together every Tuesday evening to play poker. You should come out one week.”